How to be Dumb

Escalators are hard. At least that’s the impression that your going to get after watching these next videos. From general escalator use to fancy tricks, these idiots show us exactly how to be dumb on the escalator.

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This is a classic dumb video. A police officer, after confiscating pot, baked it into brownies for him and his wife to eat. Then, he calls the police because he thinks he and his wife are dying.

During the call he complains about time going by really slowly and works his way from concern from his wife barely breathing to concern about the score of a hockey game.

You know what they say. I put my pants on both legs at a time… At least that’s how I do it. But there are variations to this pants method. I have been told that some people put their pants on one leg at a time and some people don’t wear pants at all. This guy here is a genius and it blows my mind that I didn’t think of it earlier.

To pull this off you have to throw everything you know about pants out the window. How you wear them and most importantly, where you wear them are now distant memories. You need to free your mind, about pants.

Now, just wear them as a shirt and viola, shants!

Being hygienic is very important. You never know what is on other peoples hands and that is why after using a public restroom you want to clean your hands.

Remember to use soap or if soap is unavailable you can substitute a urinal cake. A lost of people think that fresh, clean water is important but if that is unavailable you can use other peoples urine.

Here is a video of a man that will stop at nothing to get his hands squeaky clean.

We all break the law from time to time. Some more than others and some more severe than others. The good news is that you don’t have to go to jail just because you broke a law or two. In this country you can usually use a little persuasion to get yourself out of a ticket.

You always want to start by being nice. Strike up a friendly conversation and find some common ground. Be cooperative and let the police officer know that you are willing to work with him. Finally, know your rights. If the officer still isn’t responding favorably, you should just leave. They have no way to stop you and will not under any circumstance try and stop you.

Ready to step down your running game? Here we are going to be looking at a new way to lose races. Most people that want to lose a race would simply not compete or just suck at it. This guy decided on a new approach.

The first step to this dumb strategy is to get the lead. Once you have it, I think you are pretty safe to celebrate. Finally, take a big bite out of the track surface.

This guy had the race locked up and because he wanted to show off he ended up on his face.

Who wants to be a millionaire? You do. But before you go off to California and get into the hot seat, let me give you some hints to winning the millions.

First – Don’t sleep in the days leading up to the show. Sleep really wipes away a lot of what you have learned and you just can’t afford to risk the loss of memory.

Second – Don’t think about the question, just answer. Your brain does not need to analyze the information, it knows the answer before the question is even asked. I know that it is counter intuitive to use this message, but this isn’t a website that is trying to help you.

Third – Enjoy your millions.

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Being a mascot is hard work. You have to wear a hot, cumbersome and over sized animal suit. Staying on your feet all day and your only rest is when you kneel to take a photo with a small child. But the most underrated aspect of the mascot game is the competition. It is fierce. Here are a few tips that will help you get the competitive edge.

When approached by a nice family, take a knee and hug the kids. It really makes for a great photo op and will give you a tangible memory that will last a life time. Wait for the older kid who is a little embarrassed to be seen with such a childish, cartoon based character. When he comes up, lure him in with a “one arm hug for photo” grip. Finally, when he is looking at the camera, put him into an arm lock and punch him in the face. It will look innocent enough because of all the fur but if the kid is wimpy enough, you just might hurt him.

Here is an example of a dumb mascot that did just that. Maybe next time I would recommend working the body a little.

When you are making an advertisement like a television commercial, you want to make sure that people know where you stand. The best way to do that is with an advertising agency.

I am assuming that this is your position. A crafty writer that works at a B rated ad agency. You have been at your job for a long time and know all of the local companies. There has always been that one account though. The one that got away. Finally, Johnson boats comes to you and says “We need to get people on our Johnsons”.

You go home and brag to your friends and family about how you finally got Johnson. And everyone is impressed. Then suddenly it hits you. You need to make then a family friendly, safe and fun ad without getting their name confused with the man part that shares the name.

There are two ways to avoid this becoming a problem. One, avoid any phrase that could be confused with innuendo. Then there is  the second way. Use so many innuendos that the viewer would have to assume that the video is totally wholesome and there is no way they knew about the innuendo.

The second choice won out. Way to go! No one thought of this as being anything sexual and you probably still the guy known for wanting to get everyone kids on a Johnson. Enjoy the dumb way to make an advertisement.

Sometimes you come across a video that really inspires you. When I saw the this video, I immediately thought about the struggle of mankind and how sensitive that struggle can be for some. Here is a perfect example of that situation and this will also serve as an example of how to deal with that sensitivity, in the dumbest way possible.

Now for you to pull off this kind of compassion, you should use your soft, sensitive man voice.  You need to have a sense of humor, at the most inappropriate times. You can’t be afraid to laugh right in the face of someone that is struggling. Even if they have a voice that sounds like a wimpy version of Micky Mouse. And once you realize that you have embarrassed yourself, your guest and the people that associate with you, stick with it.

Enjoy learning from his example. Here is the dumb way to be a sensitive talk show host.